REVEALED: McCain's Campaign Strategy

John McCain campaign spokesperson Bill Ingdapour said today that the Arizona Senator's campaign strategy is working perfectly.

Asked at an impromptu press conference about media attention being focused on Illinois senator and presumptive Democratic nominee Barack Obama during his trip to Europe and the Middle East, Ingdapour responded, "We knew that would happen. The press is fawning over him right now. That's what Senator McCain desired."

When it was pointed out to him that Senator McCain, as well as other campaign surrogates, have spent considerable time this week complaining about unbalanced coverage, Ingdapour said, "Duh! We need to lay the groundwork, don't we? Senator McCain will get his due attention when the world realizes just how much the media is favoring Obama."

Ingdapour went on to say that McCain's entire general election strategy hinges on the "historic" nature of Obama's campaign and the press's infatuation with it.

"They are playing right into his hands," he said. "Come October, Senator Obama won't know what hit him."

Ingdapour and his associate Rich Engready discussed the McCain strategy in detail for the assembled five members of the press.

"It's simple," Engready explained. "Obama gets all the attention and goes around looking all Presidential and talking to foreign dignitaries, yada yada yada. Meanwhile McCain spends all of his time doing things that, if they get reported in the media at all, make him look like a complete ass."

"Right," Ingdapour said. "Like the cheese aisle thing. Great locale, that. I wanted the beer aisle, but we all know he's against beer."

"He's going to veto it!" Engready laughed.

"Just after Cindy sells it to Belgium," Ingdapour added. "And that absolutely hilarious CBS interview boner: God, the guy is a pure genius!"

"But the best part," Engready said, "is the Surge. God, I love the Surge! And now he's going around defining and redefining the Surge so often that, hey, it might have started before he was even born!"

"And don't forget Phil!" Ingdapour said. "Talk about genius! 'Nation of whiners!' Oh my God. I never laughed so hard in my life! And the Senator absolutely surrounds himself with people like that."

Asked how any of this amounts to a "strategy," both spokesmen laughed.

"Can't you see what's right in front of your face?" Ingdapour asked. "Everything McCain is doing is so utterly stupid that only a complete moron or someone trying to lose would do and say these things."

Engready continued. "The press reports it all, making McCain look really bad. But we all know they are fawning over Obama, and we all know that McCain is not a doddering old fool, so it's clearly the press who are slanting the coverage to make him seem like one!"

"So," Ingdapour said, "in October, we move into Florida, where the only people left after the summer sunbathers have gone home are all of the old folks, and we start rolling out our Florida geezer support league. The whole nation sees these old folks with their walkers and their 4:30 early bird dinners next to strong, virile ex-POW McCain, and Voila! Bye bye, Barack. Hello, sympathy vote!"

Engready got in the final word. "We can't convince anyone that he's not old. The guy is older than Moses. But he's a fighter. Look at my left ear: he tore a chunk right out of it last week when I didn't want him to do the German restaurant thing. He doesn't back down to anyone! Besides, you can't go around picking on geriatrics, you know. People don't like it."